The Skull in the Desert
Dear Frank,
Sometimes, an episode of BONES is adorable. Sometimes, an episode of BONES is boring. But it's the rare episode of BONES that is actually actively bad. How bad? Normally I only fall asleep once or twice during an episode, Frank. This episode put me to bed for a solid week.
Hot Not Asian is on vacation in the desert (apparently, you can take three weeks of vacation when you work with dead people all the time, which probably makes putting up with the smell somewhat worth it) when she calls up Bones mid-freak-out. Apparently, when Hot Not Asian goes on vacation, she has a Vacation Boyfriend, but this time her Vacation Boyfriend has gone missing in the desert, which is not a particularly healthy place to go missing. A point reinforced by the fact that a skull just turned up on the local sheriff's doorstep, and Hot Not Asian needs Bones to confirm that it's Vacation Boyfriend. She has "a feeling" that it is, you see. Hot Not Asian has a lot of feelings over the course of this episode. Annoyingly, they all turn out to be right.
Bones hops the first plane and quickly confirms that it's Vacation Boyfriend's skull. So we can stop caring, right? No, no, because apparently there's some evidence of foul play, so Bones hauls Beau out to help solve some crime. But all Beau does is hang out in shorts and whines about the heat, and no one ever said that Beau's calves were his best feature.
Everyone wants to figure out where Vacation Boyfriend bought it, because he was out in the desert with a missing woman named Danni, which looks cute on the page but quickly starts to grate on the ears. We are supposed to care intensely about Danni's well-being, despite the fact that we've never met her and know little about her aside from the fact that she would often go out into the desert by herself, which makes this whole disappearance thing seem just a little, y'know, Darwin-esque. However, Hot Not Asian can feel that Danni is still alive, and out into the desert they go. This leads to the Most Artificial Mortal Peril Ever: The sheriff who took them out into the desert takes off with the car to search elsewhere, and our intrepid threesome immediately assume that they've been left to die. They spend some time calculating the nearness of their demise, pondering the direness of their situation. Beau and Bones share an intimate glance, each glad not to be facing their tragic fate alone... Until the sheriff returns and they all pile back into the car. Drama!
More desert. How Spielbergian. They wander around until Hot Not Asian has an incredibly silly vision of Danni walking in the desert, and rather than getting concerned about possible heat stroke, Hot Not Asian follows SpiritDanni until she finds NearlyDeadDanni in a rock crevice. I guess she was hiding from the drug dealers who killed Vacation Boyfriend? I don't know. I hardly understand why any of these people were out in the desert to begin with, but my people are a Nordic people. We have little patience for heat.
Anyways, everybody goes home semi-safe, and Hot Not Asian cries -- not because Vacation Boyfriend, a man she's loved for several years, is dead, but because she's afraid that she'll never find another Vacation Boyfriend to love her. Girlfriend's got great priorities. But Bones uses her robot logic to assure Hot Not Asian that yes, she will love again. And then there's hugging.
Perhaps the great love story of BONES is not Beau and Bones, but Hot Not Asian and Bones? No, that's unlikely. Sure, they'd make a cute couple. But Hot Not Asian's past is so lacking in tragedy that I fear they'd have nothing to talk about.
Not that snipering a whole bunch of people is as tragic as having tragically missing parents -- but hey, it's something.
I mean, he killed SO MANY PEOPLE, Frank. Dead.
Love,
Liz
Sometimes, an episode of BONES is adorable. Sometimes, an episode of BONES is boring. But it's the rare episode of BONES that is actually actively bad. How bad? Normally I only fall asleep once or twice during an episode, Frank. This episode put me to bed for a solid week.
Hot Not Asian is on vacation in the desert (apparently, you can take three weeks of vacation when you work with dead people all the time, which probably makes putting up with the smell somewhat worth it) when she calls up Bones mid-freak-out. Apparently, when Hot Not Asian goes on vacation, she has a Vacation Boyfriend, but this time her Vacation Boyfriend has gone missing in the desert, which is not a particularly healthy place to go missing. A point reinforced by the fact that a skull just turned up on the local sheriff's doorstep, and Hot Not Asian needs Bones to confirm that it's Vacation Boyfriend. She has "a feeling" that it is, you see. Hot Not Asian has a lot of feelings over the course of this episode. Annoyingly, they all turn out to be right.
Bones hops the first plane and quickly confirms that it's Vacation Boyfriend's skull. So we can stop caring, right? No, no, because apparently there's some evidence of foul play, so Bones hauls Beau out to help solve some crime. But all Beau does is hang out in shorts and whines about the heat, and no one ever said that Beau's calves were his best feature.
Everyone wants to figure out where Vacation Boyfriend bought it, because he was out in the desert with a missing woman named Danni, which looks cute on the page but quickly starts to grate on the ears. We are supposed to care intensely about Danni's well-being, despite the fact that we've never met her and know little about her aside from the fact that she would often go out into the desert by herself, which makes this whole disappearance thing seem just a little, y'know, Darwin-esque. However, Hot Not Asian can feel that Danni is still alive, and out into the desert they go. This leads to the Most Artificial Mortal Peril Ever: The sheriff who took them out into the desert takes off with the car to search elsewhere, and our intrepid threesome immediately assume that they've been left to die. They spend some time calculating the nearness of their demise, pondering the direness of their situation. Beau and Bones share an intimate glance, each glad not to be facing their tragic fate alone... Until the sheriff returns and they all pile back into the car. Drama!
More desert. How Spielbergian. They wander around until Hot Not Asian has an incredibly silly vision of Danni walking in the desert, and rather than getting concerned about possible heat stroke, Hot Not Asian follows SpiritDanni until she finds NearlyDeadDanni in a rock crevice. I guess she was hiding from the drug dealers who killed Vacation Boyfriend? I don't know. I hardly understand why any of these people were out in the desert to begin with, but my people are a Nordic people. We have little patience for heat.
Anyways, everybody goes home semi-safe, and Hot Not Asian cries -- not because Vacation Boyfriend, a man she's loved for several years, is dead, but because she's afraid that she'll never find another Vacation Boyfriend to love her. Girlfriend's got great priorities. But Bones uses her robot logic to assure Hot Not Asian that yes, she will love again. And then there's hugging.
Perhaps the great love story of BONES is not Beau and Bones, but Hot Not Asian and Bones? No, that's unlikely. Sure, they'd make a cute couple. But Hot Not Asian's past is so lacking in tragedy that I fear they'd have nothing to talk about.
Not that snipering a whole bunch of people is as tragic as having tragically missing parents -- but hey, it's something.
I mean, he killed SO MANY PEOPLE, Frank. Dead.
Love,
Liz
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