The Woman In the Garden

Dear Frank,

I know, I know! You've been wondering, BONES? What's been happening? As far as you know, they could be doing anything. They could be finding the real killer of Abe Lincoln! They could be determining exactly what species of mammal Katie Holmes is gestating! They could be GOING TO THE MOON. And you wouldn't know any better, because I am a failure. Fear not, however! I'm now here! I have answers to questions! And the answer to that most important question, what did happen on BONES last week?

Well, not a whole helluva lot.

In the grand tradition of "that episode about hip-hop with all the black people in it" and "that episode about terrorism with all the Middle-Eastern people in it," we have "that episode about gangs with all the Latinos in it." Beau and Bones are investigating a body found in a trunk -- later revealed to have been initially interred in a local garden -- when someone drives by for a drive-by, allowing the driver of the car an opportunity to escape. But then they figure out that the driver of the car was one of those not-really-a-gang-member gang members who worked as a gardener for a high-falutin' senator...

Oh, whatever. I'm sorry, Frank, but the crime-solving is really boring this week. Trust me. You don't want to hear about it. Let me just summarize:

Gang members: Not all bad. Some of them just join gangs so that their sisters can get fake immigration papers and jobs as maids in the houses of senators.

Sisters of gang members: Prone to getting knocked up by sons of senators.

Sons of senators: Adorably clueless.

Senator house managers: Might accidentally kill a SOGM by pulling her off a ladder.

Gang members with young wife and baby son: Get deported after being caught with body of sister in trunk, but resolve to make a "better life" for family in home country, despite being forced back to land of crippling poverty and death squads.

Immigration law: Flawed.

Guatemalan Death Squads: Bad.

How do we know that? Well, that's why we've got ourselves a Lesser Deschanel -- to explain these things! Remember the pilot, when Hot Not Asian had to pick up Deschanel from the airport? Well, Deschanel was coming back from Guatemala, where at one point she'd been nabbed by her local native death squad and locked up for a few days without food, water, or hope. Girlfriend's got a little PTSD over this, which is why she gets really pissed off whenever Beau tries to intimidate the Guatemalans with threats of deportation, and kung-fus the hell out of one of those not-in-a-gang-to-help-his-sister gang members.

You'd think that the gang would just accept Lesser Deschanel's need for catharsis as a rationale for busting the ass of their leader and let it go, but no, they get all crotchety and put out a hit on her. Which leads to a delightful scene at the end of the episode: Beau finds the leader of the gang and goes all Angelus on his ass, threatening to do worse if anything happens to Lesser Deschanel. Gang Leader seems to get the message. And Beau doesn't even have to mention the fact that he was a sniper!

Just another day for our two solvers of crime. But one that brings them one step closer to each other's arms. So, a good one.

Excruciatingly boring. But good.

Love,
Liz

The Superhero In The Alley

Dear Frank,

This week, BONES continues its campaign to try and coerce you into watching -- but this time, instead of casting one of your friends in a supporting role, it decides to talk about COMICS. Like, a lot. The major failure of this plan, though, is that the episode is unspeakably boring. I can barely remember what happened. Which'll at least keep this short. Or, you know, not.

Lesser Deschanel and Beau investigate the death of a months-decayed kid who was found in an alley, wearing a homemade superhero costume. The kid's name is Warren, a reference to Warren Ellis, but this kid is most certainly NotWarrenEllis. For one thing, when not being a home schooled shut-in, NotWarrenEllis liked to run around with a bunch of "can play under 18, if casting forgets to wear its glasses" nerd freaks who hang out at the local comic book store and cosplay as original superhero characters. Real Warren Ellis? Would kick their arses with a manic laugh (and then create an original six-issue miniseries about it).

I wouldn't bother mentioning the gang, as they're largely useless, except that when Beau and Bones meet them, Beau makes a pretty standard "hey nerdfaces, this is what a woman looks like!" joke -- which wouldn't normally be funny, except that one of the nerds very clearly IS a girl, boomeranging that joke right back into Beau's face. I mean, it isn't pointed out in the context of the show. But I certainly laughed.

Dead ends dead ends OH GOD IT'S BORING. But in NotWarrenEllis's bag, they find his not-too-shabbily-drawn graphic novel (way to go, art department!) that has also been decaying. Hot Not Asian goes to town reconstructing it, and once cleaned up, everyone gathers round to play Literary Analysis 102: What Does Your Art Say About You?, which makes Bones uncomfortable because, in case you've forgotten, Bones is a Best-Selling Author (Who Doesn't Understand Pop Culture References). "You can't tell anything about a writer by analyzing their best-selling fiction!" Everyone then proceeds to analyze Bones via her best-selling fiction. Turns out that NotBeau, in the fantasies of Deschanel, is a "former Olympic boxer who graduated from Harvard and spoke six different languages." Beau gets a bit offended by the comparison, but I say, hey, take the hint and maybe a Berlitz class or two. Lesser Deschanel isn't what we call subtle.

Hey, now's a good time to play GUESS THE CHARACTER TRAIT. Which character would you assume would know the relative value of a mint condition Superman comic?

a) Virgin Nerd
b) Paranerd
c) Beau

If you said Beau, you dine on milk and honey. Turns out, in fact, that Virgin Nerd had never read a graphic novel before this case. Just for the record, I fail to understand how this episode can understand comics so well (they even say Gaiman's name right!) and yet totally fail to understand actual comic book fans. Alas. It's better than most portrayals, anyway. For one thing, there's actually a girl!

After a trip to the bowling alley where NotWarrenEllis's dad made him work (which is really just an opportunity for Beau to wear a bowling shirt, brag about his bowling prowess, and prove once again that he is more All-American than Jesus), they quickly figure out that the bowling alley owner's wife is getting pretty well Tina Turner'd by her husband, and that the bowling alley owner was the dark and dangerous presence lurking in the panels of NotWarrenEllis's comic. NotWarrenEllis was apparently dying of cancer (which he was hiding from his parents! Because a kid under the age of 18 can do that! Oh, BONES) and decided to go superhero on the Bad Guy's ass, overlooking the fact that the Bad Guy was bigger, taller, and possessing of a wicked three-sided knife. Before you can say "Lesser Deschanel will kung fu your ass" she's done just that on the bowling alley owner, and that crime? It is SOLVED.

At the end of the episode, everyone goes to the funeral and puts things on the casket. Beau gives NotWarrenEllis his sharpshooter pin from Army, which is weird, because isn't Beau HORRIBLY TORTURED by his dark past as a sharpshooter? Isn't the entire reason that he solves crime based on him wanting to make amends for KILLING ALL THOSE PEOPLE? What kind of eternal torment is he wishing on this poor kid, anyway?

Once again, BONES, your complexities escape me.

Is that why I watch? No. No, it really isn't.

Love,
Liz

The Woman in the Car

Dear Frank,

Our goal for this week? Brevity! I hear it makes things more funny-good. Yes?

We get this week's Person-We-Know appearance over with right away -- teaser starts with daytime talk show host Jaime Ray Newman interviewing Lesser Deschanel about her Best-Selling Novel. Lesser Deschanel is at her mostly delightfully inhuman, and watching Jaime Ray Newman try to make talking happen is comedy gold. Beau comes in halfway through the interview to, I suppose, make faces at her -- just in time to hear Deschanel say that she doesn't want children. Afterwards, they talk about how she doesn't plan to have kids, which makes sense given her Tragic Past and Inability to Display Human Emotion, but seems to really bother Beau. Really, he should just suck it up. Better the two of them have that conversation early in the relationship, after all. And he already has a son via his SAG-shy ex.

I guess it's hard, though, to let go of a dream. Especially when that dream involves Lesser Deschanel's superior genealogy.

Anyway, this is actually thematically important, as the theme of this episode is Daddies And The Shit They'll Do To People Who Put Kids in Danger. A burned-out car with a dead mom and a missing child seat means that Bones and Beau are on the hunt for a kidnapped kid -- whose daddy happens to be testifying about faulty body armor manufactured by his company. Given that this armor lead to the deaths of 30 soldiers, the Justice department is totally cool with leaving an eight-year-old in the hands of a team of finger-lopping-off-and-sending-to-Beau-in-a-jewelry-box South African mechanic/mercenaries hiding out in an abandoned gas station from the 1970s. (Lesser Deschanel found a bit-off chunk of ear in the the mom's mouth, and apparently ear wax has some stories to tell. The things TV teaches me.) Beau's a daddy, though, and Beau's taken a lot of lives. Beau goes to get his gun. Those South African mechanic/mercenaries don't know what hits them. Well, actually, they probably do know what hits them, for the few seconds before knowlege is replaced by oblivion.

Everyone's happy! The kid doesn't lose any more fingers! But who was responsible for the kidnapping? The major dramatic events of the story? "We'll let the grand jury decide." Oh, BONES. You sure know from dramaturgy, all right.

At least the episode is over, and so we don't have to think anymore about an utterly pointless subplot featuring the supporting cast, except to note the following: Hot Not Asian got married in Fiji once (the way all us free spirits do). Virgin Nerd? Almost hot while talking about how many amps you need to electrocute a woman to death. Oh, and Deschanel knows people in South America, and if you're a State Department representative doing security checks on the Smithphonian staff, asking questions about those people is a good way to get your notes shredded.

I wonder if Deschanel's people in South America know Beau's people in South America. If Beau has any people left in South America.

Don't fuck with baby daddies, Frank. Especially the ones who used to be snipers.

Love,
Liz